What we learned from the SEC in Week 5 - Cincinnati News, FOX19-WXIX TV

Before we discuss real SEC football, something else must be ridiculed discussed, and that is the utter contempt What We Learned has for the praise a certain so-called football game received this week.

That game would be Baylor at West Virginia. The score was 70-63. One quarterback threw for 656 yards and eight touchdowns. The other threw for 581 yards and five touchdowns.

Yay.

Do it when other people are on the field trying to stop you and we'll mention your names.

Below is the weekly list of what we learned from watching SEC games in Week 5.

1. Arkansas thought it was in the aforementioned atrocity. How else do you explain the Razorbacks allowing 58 points to Texas A&M two weeks after allowing 52 to Alabama? At least they scored 10 points this time instead of being shut out.

Look, it's no secret the Razorbacks (1-4, 0-2) are deplorable. Our thesaurus is getting overworked just trying to find new words to describe their incompetence, and the season is still less than halfway through. Please, MAKE IT STOP!!

2. Georgia did what Georgia does. From the files of the "Yeah, I Could See That" Department, Georgia stuck to its ways, squeaking by Tennessee 51-44. The Mark Richt on the hot seat/not on the hot seat merry-go-round landed on "ON" this week. Whoever picked this day in the pool can claim their prize at the service counter.

After being down 17 and coming back to take a lead, Tennessee coach Derek Dooley said his team survived a freight train. Freight trains don't senselessly derail for no reason. Georgia, however, does.

The Bulldogs (5-0, 3-0) fumbled, fumbled again and then celebrated a tying field goal like they had done something to be proud of. They didn't. They survived a tornado of their own creation by kicking a field goal just before halftime.

Tennessee was rightly stoked to be back in business because the Vols (3-2, 0-2) were on the verge on being blown out. But Georgia wasn't about to sully its reputation by closing out a win. That wouldn't be good Southern manners, you see. So the Bulldogs proceeded to squander that lead with two fumbles to make it a fair fight.

And Georgia was supposed to be better now that several players are no longer suspended following drug violations. How's that working for you?

3. Missouri is, uh, you know, um, bad. This gets said almost every week here so why we continue to learn it is a mystery, but we continue to hold out hope.

Well, no more. We are officially off the Missouri-might-do-something-worth-watching bandwagon. We reserve the right to jump back on, but only after the Tigers actually do something worth watching and we miss it because we were seeing how many points West Virginia could score against Blacksburg High School, which has to be less than 70.

Missouri (3-2, 0-2) barely beat Central Florida 21-16 on the road. AHEM. On…the…road. Those three words don't belong a sentence when playing a directional school. Not for an SEC school anyway. Is Missouri really a member? Can somebody check the paperwork on that?

Maybe when basketball season rolls around we'll find out why two Tiger teams weren't enough for SEC commissioner Mike Slive.

UPDATE: Googled it and there are Bengal, Siberian and Sumatran tigers. You win, Darwin.

4. Tennessee can't tackle. It's really a simple thing. You grab the dude with the ball and yell for help. Eventually someone else comes over and the guy with the ball says "OK, you got me" and goes to one knee.

But Tennessee likes to wave at the runner and he goes by, usually to the end zone. Somebody's got to ruin that nice, expensive paint job, and it might as well be him. Somebody needs to tell Derek Dooley's pants that they aren't quite hideous and distracting enough.

Put some polka dots or flashing neon lights on those things. Maybe the guy with the ball will get vertigo. At this point, that seems to the Vols' only hope.

Maybe Tennessee's new coach will teach some fundamentals next year (Oops, that wasn't supposed to be used for another five weeks).

5. Steve Spurrier tries to outcoach himself. If you had Marcus Lattimore on your team, and you had 10 other people not named Marcus Lattimore, and you had the ball on the 1-yard line, who would you give it to?

Spurrier chose Guy Not Named Marcus Lattimore Wearing No. 14. Usually he goes by Connor Shaw. Kentucky now calls him Guy Who Didn't Score A Touchdown Against Us. We're fairly certain that name would not fit Marcus Lattimore in that situation. South Carolina didn't score on this opportunity in the first quarter and didn't break the scoreless tie and later went into halftime losing – LOSING TO KENTUCKY – 17-7.

If losing at playing poker has taught us anything it's that nothing beats the Joker (Phillips), unless you have a wild card. We're safe calling Marcus Lattimore a pretty valuable wild card.

Spurrier finally figured that out, and Lattimore rushed for 120 yards and two touchdowns and South Carolina (5-0, 3-0) won 38-17, scoring 31 unanswered points. The Ole Ball Coach just wanted to make it interesting.

That being said…

6. Kentucky may get more SEC wins than Tennessee. Yeah, we said it. Think about it. This may not be hard to do.

The teams have an identical schedule except for one team. Tennessee plays Alabama and Kentucky faces Arkansas. Missouri and Vanderbilt are winnable games for both teams and both are yet to play Mississippi State.

Tennessee has South Carolina later in the year, which Kentucky (1-4, 0-2) already lost to. Kentucky has a date coming up with Georgia. Neither team is likely to be bowl eligible so when they meet in their final game of the year, this could be the only thing either has to play for.

7. Our new favorite team is Towson. Nothing makes you want to watch Towson play more than hearing it has a lead over LSU. It didn't last (of course it didn't last, it's freaking Towson) but it was still worth a good laugh and a few good natured text messages – and a Twitter post – at LSU's expense.

LSU then had enough of that nonsense and won 38-22. Wait, what? That's right, Towson brought it to Baton Rouge and would not go quietly into the night.

It was probably an oversight by LSU (5-0, 1-0), who was probably looking ahead to Florida (4-0, 3-0) next week, but even with that LSU should have crushed Towson like an empty soda can. LSU's weak early scheduling has done it no favors and the Tigers might have a huge problem in the Swamp.

8. Off weeks are not fun. How can we be expected to ridicule Auburn, Florida, Mississippi State and Vanderbilt when they don't even play?

Like this: If you were really as tough as you think, you would have scheduled Towson. Or at least traveled to Hawaii to get a 13th game. Beaches, surfing, a pig with an apple in its mouth (on second thought, that's what Arkansas is for). Anyway, off weeks are for the faint of heart.

UPDATE: Googled it and every team gets one, so move along there's nothing to see here.

9. Alabama (and Mississippi, too) should not be playing at 9 p.m. That timeslot is supposed to be for games like Stanford vs. Fresno State, Cal vs. Oregon State and Oregon vs. whatever bad Pac-12 team lets them score 60 (this week it was Washington State, but they only gave up 51).

For the love of Paul Bryant, the game ended Sunday morning. Doesn't ESPN know people in the Bible Belt have to be at church the next day? How else can they make amends for the profanities they use Saturday afternoon and the alcohol they (did not) consume Saturday night?

For those hardy Bama fans who chose to stay up, they were rewarded with an uninspired performance in a 33-14 win. Lucky for the Tide (5-0, 2-0) Nick Saban gets two weeks to tell them how bad their effort was before playing Missouri.

Poor Missouri. It has no idea what's coming.

10. Next week is what SEC football is all about. Finally there are no cupcakes on the schedule. Six conference games are on tap, including a couple of showdowns among ranked teams.

We'll get a better idea of how good LSU is, see if South Carolina can live up to the hype, gauge Texas A&M's status, see if Missouri can get a conference win and see who between Auburn and Arkansas wants to be in the running for last place.

That's what SEC football is supposed to be. We can't wait.

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