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Line King bemoans decline of once-righteous college football

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The following is satire and meant for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - As The Line King points out at every opportunity, College Football has completely imploded from the grand spectacle it once was and morphed into a three-hour reality show, sometimes even including the Kardashians. Who do you think got Lane Kiffin fired?

Gone are the days of conferences that make geographical sense. Today, Missouri leads the $EC East Division… the East! Does anyone know or care to know the difference between the AAC and the ACC? This year it's the Mountain West, next year it'll be something else.

Gone are the days of Saturday football. The only day not yet trampled on are Sundays once the NFL season begins. And what was wrong with having the Gator, Cotton, Fiesta, Rose, Sugar and Orange bowls played on the same day? Who cares if they overlapped? Half the fun was switching back and forth – and that was before remote controls. You made your kids do it and paid them in Fritos and bean dip.

Gone are the days when the Texas Fightin' Aggie Band would even ask for permission to play at an away halftime. Back in the day, they would have shown up in Fayetteville, charged the field at halftime and played an extra song or two just to irritate the home Hog fans. Today, they curled up in the corner of a room and sniffled when Arkansas officials told them to stay at home – even Reveille the collie was shooed away.

What's next for A&M - asking the fans to stop kissing their dates after each score?

Gone are the days where fans thrilled to the brass and drum pulse of the marching band, and awestruck beheld the flag corps, baton twirlers and majorettes. The Line King's mother (a Houston debutante, no less) wanted to be a Kilgore Rangerette when she "grew up." You'll be hard-pressed to find anyone today who wants to be a Rangerette or even knows who they are.

These days, we are preoccupied with seeing just how far "cheerleaders" can push the boundaries of common decency. And instead of holding a megaphone leading a "two-bits" cheer, over-muscled cheer dudes are aiming a T-shirt cannon at the upper deck.

Gone are the days of stadium etiquette, when men wore suits, fedoras, smoked in the stands and occasionally sipped from a small flask just to keep warm. Women wore hats with feathers and cried when their team lost. And nobody complained about the heat, about having to wear high heels to the game or secondhand smoke.

Today, men and women chug as much bourbon as they can in a four-hour period, paint their bodies with metallic team colors and run in front of the camera as if they just won the lottery. My grandfather would have had them arrested.

Gone are the days of huddling around an AM radio trying to pick up a score of a distant game. Today, one only has to hop on the information highway to find every game under the sun or moon televised.

Last week, The Line King found Southern Illinois at South Dakota State on the internet. Back in the day, it was neat to visualize what a Saluki-Jackrabbit game might have looked like. Saturday, in vivid color, he saw there was 4 feet of snow on the ground and about 500 people huddled around a barrel fire in the end zone. So much for imagination.

Do yourself a favor. Grab your son or daughter Saturday night. Go to the car, tune your AM radio to some far-off game, light up an unfiltered Pall Mall and smile.

Week Six: 3-7 (ugh!)

Season: 32-27-2

Oct. 12

Oklahoma -13 vs. Texas: The good, old-fashioned Red River Rivalry and Big Tex are back. But gone are the days when everyone feared Texas.

Kansas @ TCU -24: Betcha didn't know these were the teams featured on NBC's first-ever college football game broadcast back in 1953.

Texas A&M -5 @ Mississippi: The Fightin' Texas Aggie Band returns to the field, and the Black Bear is making reservations for Shreveport. Everything has returned to normal this week in Oxford.

Bowling Green @ Mississippi State -8: Likewise, not much has changed for Bulldog fans. State pads its record with another gem. FYI: Don't fall for BGSU's overinflated 5-1 record.

Missouri +11 @ Georgia: The $EC East Division leaders take on the challengers. Go figure which is which. Mizzou is 5-0 against the spread this season, and these guys are playing like they are actually an $EC team. Come on, UGA is hurt and hung over.

Florida @ LSU -6.5: LSU games can be heard on the radio in just about every corner of the country, but not at 2:30 p.m. And why even bother when the game is on CBS?

South Carolina @ Arkansas +7: Gone are the days when the Pigs were the outcasts of the SWC and South Carolina was just plain outcast. I am sure the Fighting Gamecock Band will be allowed to perform this weekend.

Alabama -27 @ Kentucky: What would The Bear think about college football these days?

Louisiana-Monroe @ Texas State -7: Remember when these schools were named Northeast Louisiana and Southwest Texas State? Now, nobody knows where they are located.

Memphis @ Houston -9.5: These two teams were part of about 25 renegade "independent" program bowl games by The Man. Now they hop from one conference to another more often than passionate embraces on Peyton Place (nothing to do with the Manning family) and are all giddy about going to Lucky 777's Truck Stop Bowl in Fresno. There are also only about four independent teams left, and all them have clean reputations. Boooo!

New Mexico @ Wyoming -10: No reason, other than the Cowboys are 4-1 ATS and Los Lobos are traditionally horrid on the road.

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